Archive for November, 2008

I haven’t been feeling so wonderful these past few days. Felt bitter about plenty of things and the people around me. I realize it is not worthy to hold the bitterness. At the end of the day, you feel so tired. The negativity takes a toll on you. Indeed isn’t worthy at all.

In these times when the world is one big global village, more and more people are finding their soul mates from another ethnicity or race compared to 20-30 years ago. Those days mix marriages would be considered rather unique and even a taboo for some cultures. Mind you, I am not saying that mix marriages have not happened. In fact it happened since thousands of years. Yet it is rather bizarre that many people still could not accept inter-marriage.

My paternal grandmother as I knew it, was the first in her family to marry outside her race. She, a Telugu Indian and my grandfather a Japanese. World war II brought them together and separated them when it ended. The result of this short union, my father.

My mother’s grandparents were immigrants to Malaya (Malaysia before the independence) from different parts of Indonesia. Her paternal grandparents of Bugis decent came from a place that sounds eerie to those who understand the Malay language. Pontianak, Indonesia. Eerie because Pontianak, in English means Vampire. Anyhow, her maternal grandparents came from some part of the Java Island. They were Javanese.

I came from these rich mix of culture. I would say that I am proud of my roots. I feel that I am a little bit more universal than my peers. There are advantages in being different when it comes to knowledge and understanding of other cultures and lifestyles. But it didn’t come without a downside. I can never identify myself with one culture. I was frequently asked of my race and the answer I gave many times, “Malay”. I don’t get such questions while I’m here in Hungary, but I get that a lot in my own country. Most of the time due to their curiosity to my rather strange name for a regular Malay muslim. ( I wished at times my father had given me an ordinary Muslim name. )

Anyway, according to Clause 2 of Article 160 of the Federal Constitution Act of Malaysia, I am a considered a Malay. It defines “Malay” as a Malaysian who were born to a Malaysian parent who profess the religion of Islam, speaks the Malay language as their mother-tongue and abides to the Malay customs.

My father was born into a Christian family. The law in Malaysia requires a non-Muslim, in order to marry a Muslim, to convert to Islam. Thus, I was born to both Muslim parents and my father not only converted to Islam but to some extent adopt the Malay language and culture. I realize that, the children of mix parentage tend to follow the mothers’ cultures due to the fact that it is usually the mothers who care for the children most of the time. She cares for them the best she knows how i.e; according to her culture. Therefore, I was brought up as a Muslim Malay.

Legally, I am a Malay yet biologically, I am not. So what am I, or others like me really are then? I am married to a Hungarian and my daughter was born in Malaysia. By law, I can argue that she is Malay. But it would be rather amusing to refer her as a Malay with  facial features closer to European.

I know that in the  end, it does not really matter what race one is. But it would be much convenient when you can answer in one word instead of having to give a full account of your family history of how come you are mixed or why your name sounds so strange or why you look different.

Perhaps in a few more years, people would stop asking when it doesn’t really matter what race you are from.

I used to read a lot in my early years. In school, at the University. Not only textbooks, but any sort of reading material I could get my hands on. Yet, nowadays I find myself reading lesser and lesser. Due to my not reading much for such a long time, my vocabulary had shrunk or rather, has not expanded. Even though I didn’t totally abandon the activity of reading, I simply did not look up words in the dictionary as much as I should.

Now that it hit me,I find it a little disturbing that I do not know a lot of words. I tend to use the same words over and over more that I would like to. So, as of now, my mission is to increase my vocabulary as much as I can.

I am feeling like I am back to school. With my dictionaries and notepads. Jotting down any new words and expressions I heard or read somewhere to look them up later when I get the chance.

I also have the feeling of uncertainty. Unsure of my own capabilities. I suppose I shouldn’t take this overly serious and instead enjoy the learning process. And have fun reading.

I graduated from law school 5 years ago. Within that 5 years, I have only worked a year in a job which had nothing to do with Law. Then, I became a stay at home wife and mother. After a while, I feel a little bit restless in my position as a stay at home mom. I want to do something more yet I do not want to let go of the privilege of seeing my children grow up in front of my very eyes. I want to be one of the firsts to see them utter their first words, take their first steps and more.

After asking myself about the thing that I really want to do, I finally decided to teach myself to write. I don’t regret my taking up Law instead of doing English literature, because who knows that I might later make use of whatever knowledge I know on that subject later on.

I would not say that writing is an easy thing to do. Although it is a much more flexible job than most that I know of. I write for as long I could remember. I write daily. I kept diaries and now blogs. I have always wanted to write for magazines or newspapers, yet I have not the confidence nor the writing skills for that matter.

So writing was the thing that I’ve decided to teach my self. But where do I begin and how?  I was clueless again. I started to read about becoming a writer from articles I have found on the internet. Thank goodness for the Internet! And now, I have bought myself a couple of books to start off.

I am indeed excited. The feeling is as if I’m going of on a grand (not necessarily smooth and easy) journey.